This is an article for you. I took on the task of writing this article already back in October. In my mind, I thought—something will happen in my life, a challenge, that I can share and write about, addressing all men. But in reality, I do not want to address a specific challenge in this article or tell a story with a clear lesson. Instead, my feeling is to write from the heart about something that sometimes brings me sadness, sometimes boiling anger, sometimes hopelessness.
"No one can tell you how to become a male, for the reason that every male is a unique individual. Other men can tell you what being male means to them, but how is that going to help you when you are not them? Women can tell you what they think men should be, but being women, they can no more teach you to be a male than a fish can teach a bird to fly! No! If you are going to enter the world of the true male, then you must first learn what that world is, and then you must learn how to claim it, how to make it your own." — "The Quest for Maleness", Theun Mares
Keep this quote from Theun in mind throughout this article; it has been a mantra for me in my quest for maleness.
My father passed away a few years ago at only 57 years old; his heart stopped suddenly during the night. I remember seeing him on the floor of his living room before he was packed into a bag and taken away by morgue workers. I kind of remember that he still had a small smile on his face, which has given me some peace, but it has also made me think—where do I want to be at 57 years old? I am 37 now, and I think about my future health. Do I want to die at 57 from heart failure? With high blood pressure?
This brings me to the topic of being male and what we’ve been taught about it. We have been taught to work hard, earn good money, and never rest—to always be on the move (always be ready to create) and to believe that this is where our self-worth comes from, being the sexual stud and constantly "spilling the seed." By completing a task, we often feel more invincible than God himself—it’s a rush you want to feel again and again, until the body starts to give up. One day, you won’t be able to get out of bed anymore because your back hurts so much or your knees are broken. Now I could ask, “Was it worth it?” and every one of us would answer from the bottom of our hearts, “Yes, it was,” and we wouldn’t be lying. Building and creating is part of our nature; it’s something that makes us male and a way we achieve our potential.
But there is also another side to being male—creating safety, providing a safe space—and that, I think, is often overlooked. How safe does your family feel if you die at 57 because you didn’t learn to rest and take care of your health? It’s no secret that women live longer than men, but honestly—when was the last time you took a spa day? I mean for yourself, alone, without your family or your wife, and enjoyed it without feeling guilty about “doing nothing”?
For me, one of the biggest challenges is learning to accept myself for who I am. This includes learning to accept that I need to rest and be gentle with myself, understanding that I am human with a body that has an expiration date. I try to keep in mind that taking care of my health now is important if I want to be a vital grandfather someday—it starts now, not ten years down the line. I’m learning to accept that I don’t have as much power as I did in my early 20s, and that does not lessen my worth as a man. I am coming to understand that my sense of worth is not tied to my age or how much I work but rather to how I feel about and love myself.
So, to celebrate this year’s maleness, do something to show your body that you respect it, that you are gentle toward it. Show your body that you want to cooperate with it. Talk to a friend, heart to heart, without substances; go to a spa or get a massage. Go on a fishing trip, and make sure you actually stay warm—not just “warm enough.” This comes from the bottom of my heart: learn to rest, learn to take care of your health. And no, I’m not talking about doing nothing for weeks straight—just take a day or two to do nothing and recharge.
With love and respect,
Siim
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