Listening to My Self

This “article” was originally a small poem. A little something that I wrote a few years ago about what it means to be a female. For me.

And then there was feedback - not OK.

No more than an hour earlier, I was struck by an idea that the dis-ease that in medical terms is called depression, is in essence a coping mechanism you developed in early age to deal with stressful situations. You have learned and probably became an expert in suppressing your emotions, feelings, and anything else in you wanting to express itself.

“ Learning to listen properly is not at all difficult to do, for it is quite as simple as saying to yourself that you do want to listen to what the other person is saying to you.”

“The Journey of Adjustment” - Théun Mares

In my case, “the other person” was my self. So I sat down with my journal and started writing. First, accusing the feedback giver (the good ol´ Persecutor corner in the Victim or in other terms Karpman’s Drama Triangle). Then I resisted the urge to suppress my emotions, wanting to respond to the feedback or better yet to the feedback giver (the Rescuer), instead I asked myself: “What am I hearing?”

• Wrong

• Improper

• Does not fit / Does not belong

• Differently is not okay

• Your experience does not fit/is not valid

• Your way of self-ex-pression is not appropriate / does not fit

• Your way of self-ex-pression is wrong

• This is not how WE do things

• This is not how one expresses their everyday experience

• Do not show yourself

And that does hurt. Picking up the courage to reveal something that is close to my heart and hearing back that it is in some way not OK. Wanting to connect, but feeling ever more lonely…

They say that unmet needs hurt. Connection is a need. It is one of three dimensions how our brains make sense of and feel safe in this world. I can understand why I felt this experience was threatening and painful. I heard my self.

With all my heart,

Triin